South Park- Lost in the Desert
by storm cloud
Summary: A standard South Park episode- a major tragedy, Kenny dies, Brian Boitano saves the day. This is my first south park fic so please read and reveiw so my next will be better.


"Okama... GAMESPHERE!"  
Tweaks and buzzes follow as Stan's gamesphere activates, allowing him and Kyle to play Mega Murder 5000.  
  
"Sweet!" Kyle says as his character gets his arms ripped off of his body.  
  
Stan laughs appreciatively, but stops abruptly as his phone rings.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I WON!" Cartman's voice screeches so even Kyle cringes.  
  
"Won what?" Stan says, frowning and rubbing his ears.  
  
"I WON IT! I WON IT! AND WE'RE GOING! I WON! YOU GUYS, I WON!" Click.  
  
Stan hangs up the phone, frowning.  
  
"Yes! I finally beat you!" Kyle yells, watching his armless character kick Stan's character's lifeless body repeatedly in Mega Murder5000.  
  
-Denver Airport-  
  
Several workers are inspecting a jet while a small TV in the corner of the hangar shows the Bear's game.  
  
"So, ahhm, some kid won the, ahhm, the, ahhm, plane ride, right Ted?" one worker says, marking a checklist and searching the wings for defects.  
  
"That's right Bill, he's going to fly in the new jet with 3 friends all over the US. He's going from Denver, to Texas, to Florida, to New York, to Montana, to California, then back to Denver, all in one day."  
  
"So, ahhm, he's just, ahhm, going to fly over these states and see the sights from, ahhm, from above, right Ted?"  
  
"That's right Bill, and it'll be the ride of his life, I can tell you. These wings are alright, let's check the je-"  
  
The buzz from the TV roared loudly, and all the engineers turn and watch it. Bill absent-mindedly checks the remaining boxes in his checklist and walks over to it to get a better look.  
  
"IT SEEMS THAT A CRAZED FAN HAS RUN ONTO THE FIELD AND HE'S- DEAR LORD, HE'S TACKLING THE BEAR MASCOT!" the announcer screams.  
  
"Hey! Hey, Bill!" the foreman yells over the TV. "Is this jet okay?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, sure."  
  
-Cartman's house-  
  
"YOU GUYS! I WON! I WON YOU GUYS!" Cartman yells as Butters, Kenny, Pip, Kyle, and Stan gather in his living room.  
  
"I lost my standing as Mega Murder champion because of you, so this better be good," Stan says threateningly.  
  
"It is, you guys, it is. I won a cross country jet flight in a new alpha model air jet 5000 by turning in my 'Snacky S'mores' proof of purchases," Cartman says mysteriously.  
  
The boys look at each other.  
  
"What?" Kyle says.  
  
"Forget it, let's go play my game sphere," Stan says.  
  
"No wait! And I get to bring three of you along."  
  
The boys stare at him.  
  
"Kay..." Stan says.  
  
"And that means we miss school on Monday!" Cartman says excitedly.  
  
The boys' faces light up.  
  
"So, the question is: who should I pick?" Cartman says impressively, eyeing them all with scrutiny. He turns to Pip. "Pip, I consider you a mere French piece of crap. I only invited you nyah so I could rub it in your face that you are not going." Pip looks down at his feet.  
  
"Good, so it'll be Kyle and Kenny and Butters and I- wait," Stan says, "Butters can't come. Only three of us can go, and Butters is annoying."  
  
"Yeah, screw Butters," Kyle shouts.  
  
"Wait a moment. Now, Kenny, you are a good friend, admittedly, but you are very unlucky, and I don't want to jinx my whole trip," Cartman says in an authorative voice, like the one he used when he pretended to be Robert E. Lee back in the Civil War Reenactment.  
  
"DAMNIT CARTMAN, STOP TALKING IN THAT ANNOYING VOICE!" Kyle yells.  
  
"And that brings me to you, Kyle. You are nothing more than a stupid Jew. What's to stop me from taking Butters instead of you?" Cartman says with false concern.  
  
"Because, um... I'll give you a candy bar if Butters doesn't go," Kyle says. "I'll bring it to the jet."  
  
"Then it's settled. Pip and Butters, go away. And enjoy school tomorrow!" Cartman says.  
  
"Aw shucks, I guess I'd probably get sick in a jet anyway," Butters says, walking off.  
  
-The next day, at Denver Airport-  
  
"Have fun, Eric! And remember that if you get scared, Mommy-wommy's down here waiting for you!" Mrs. Cartman calls after her son as the jet begins to taxi to a runway. All the boys laugh at him.  
  
"Okay kids, if anything happens, there are emergency packs below your seats with everything you'll need if we crash in a desert," the pilot says happily, giving a thumbs-up before taking off.  
  
-Six hours later-  
  
"This sucks, Cartman!" Kyle yells. Kenny is asleep, and the jet is over Californian desert lands.  
  
"Yeah, if I wanted to miss school, I could have pretended to be sick and played my Game Sphere," Stan says angrily.  
  
"You know what, you guys? I don't give a crap about you because Kyle forgot my chocolate bar. So in fact I *hope* you have a crappy time. I, on the other hand, am enjoying myself."  
  
There is a sudden beeping sound and the crash of an engine falling from the jet.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?!" the pilot shouts, but then promptly dies. The jet dives to the sand, and a huge explosion ensues.  
  
-five minutes later-  
  
Stan and Kyle crawl out of the debris, as do Kenny and Cartman. They all are holding their survival packs.  
  
"Everyone okay?" Stan asks, looking at Kenny.  
  
Kenny responds "Yeah man" in a muffled voice.  
  
"Kenny, it's pretty hot out here in the remote Californian desert lands where no living humans exist for miles, so you might want to take your orange jacket off," Kyle says.  
  
"No, I'm fine," Kenny says.  
  
"You guys... you do realize what this means, right? We're going to die!" Cartman says, looking at the dusty hills around him.  
  
"Relax, let's see what's in our survival kits," Stan says.  
  
They all look in their kits.  
  
"Oh my God!" Kyle shouts.  
  
"A toothbrush, a band aid, and an 'Ozarka' water bottle!" Stan yells, distraught.  
  
"Not even toothpaste?! We're going to die!" Cartman cries.  
  
-an hour later-  
  
"Well Stan, I hope you're happy. We've been walking for an hour, and I'm tired, and we're still lost in the Californian desert lands, AND I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING FOR SEVEN FRIGGIN HOURS!" Cartman yells, losing control. "AND THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR RATIONING IDEA, KYLE, WE CAN ONLY HAVE A SIP OF WATER EVERY TWO HOURS!"  
  
"Wait, that's not right, dude. My uncle Jimbo says that you should drink as much as you want whenever you need it in a survival situation," Stan says.  
  
"Is that the same uncle Jimbo who ran into the football game yesterday and shot the Bears' mascot, shouting, 'it's coming right for me'?" Kyle asked scathingly.  
  
Stan frowned angrily.  
  
"Besides, he was probably talking about drinking alcohol, not water," Kyle said in a muffled voice.  
  
"Yeah," Kyle said.  
  
"Wait! I HAVE AN IDEA THAT WILL MAKE US ALL HAPPY!" Cartman yelled over the fighting. "We can drink as much as we need, because we'll take Kenny's bottle and split it between us, because Kenny's going to die anyway, because he's a jinx."  
  
Kenny frowns.  
  
"Then, when he dies, we eat him to keep from starving to death!" Cartman finished, with an expectant smile.  
  
"That's not a bad idea, fatass," Kyle says in a mild voice.  
  
"So it's settled. GIVE US YOUR BOTTLE, KENNY!"  
  
"Uh-uh," Kenny says in a muffled but angry voice.  
  
"QUIT YOUR BITCHIN AND EXCEPT DEATH!" Cartman yells, picking up a dead stick off the sand and hitting Kenny on the head with it. Kenny falls to the ground, dead.  
  
"Nyah we go," Cartman says with a smile. "I get his legs and breast since it was my idea! Stan, you can have the arms. Kyle, you can have the feet, head, and hand."  
  
-Denver Airport-  
  
"Shouldn't they be here by now?" Mrs. Marsh asks worriedly.  
  
"They should have been here an hour ago!" Mrs. Broflovski shouts, pissed off as usual.  
  
"I'm going to ask them what's going on," Mrs. Marsh says, frowning.  
  
"Let me handle this, honey. WHAT'S GOING ON?" Mr. Marsh shouts at several workers. They shrug and walk off towards the staff lounge room with beers resting on their bellies.  
  
"Damnit! They're hiding something, and I'm going to find out what!" Mr. McCormick says, taking a long gulp of his hip flask.  
  
-Ten minutes later-  
  
"Our kids are lost? In the harsh desert lands of California?!" Mr. Marsh shouts.  
  
"That's ri-oght," says the old man with the straw hat and oil stained overalls as he rubs a wrench with an oil stained rag. "Got a hist'ry, thot place does. Back in '68 two childe'rn were lost in thot thar desert lands. Thay were eatin 'live by a pack of wolves. In the old days the conquistadors up an' slaughtered the entire Indian nation up thar in that thar desert, and some say their angry spirits still seek out vengeance in all white men and childe'rn thay sees. Yalp, lot a history in those desert lands."  
  
All of the parents stare at him with terror.  
  
-Harsh, unforgiving Californian desert lands-  
  
"No way Cartman! I'm not going to eat Kenny!" Kyle shouts.  
  
"Why, what the hell's wrong with him, is he not Kosher or something?" Cartman says calmly with a mouthful of orange jacket.  
  
"It's just wrong, fatass!"  
  
"You know something, Kyle? Me being fat has nothing to do with survival, alright? So let's leave my big boned-ness out of this discussion, okay? If you want to starve, then be my guest. You owe me a damned candy bar though, so you better live long enough to get me one," Cartman snapped, ripping a new bite of orange jacket out of his part of Kenny.  
  
"If you being fat has nothing to do with it, then neither does me being a Jew! So stop with the Kosher and dirty Jew jokes!" Kyle yells furiously.  
  
"Aye- you being a Jew does have something to do with this! IF YOUR WEREN'T SUCH A JEW WE'D HAVE THE CANDY BAR YOU OWE ME AND THEN WE COULD BE SHARING IT WITH KENNY RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF EATING HIM!" Cartman shrieks.  
  
"'WE"!? YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE EATING, FATASS! STAN AND I AREN'T EATING OUR OWN FRIEND!" Kyle yelled back. "RIGHT STAN!? ...Stan?" Kyle looks around. "Where's Stan?"  
  
  
Stan is walking in the desert night, looking at the stars. A constellation the shape of Brian Boitano glitters. Stan sighs.  
  
"Brian Boitano, wherever you are, I just want to let you know that we're almost out of water and Kenny's dead. How can we escape? How can we live? What would you do?"  
  
A shooting star glimmers past Brian Boitano's constellation.  
  
"Did someone say my name?" a gentle voice says behind Stan. He turns around to see... Brian Boitano!  
  
"Brian Boitano!" Stan says, shocked.  
  
"Actually, I'm just a hallucination. That desert heat is getting to you."  
  
"Oh. Bye then, I guess."  
  
"Bye-ee" Brian Boitano says, starting to turn around and skate off.  
  
"WAIT! Mr. Boitano, what would you do if you were trapped in a desert?" Stan calls.  
  
"I would make a signal with logs and sticks big enough for a plane to see, a signal that says 'I AM LOST'. Bye-ee."  
  
"Yeah!" Stan says with a determined look.  
  
-That morning-  
  
"Guys, I know how we can get found and rescued!" Stan says enthusiastically, waking the others up. He explains Brian Boitano's plan.  
  
"By Jove, that just might work," Cartman says, patting him on the back.  
  
"...Shut up fatboy," Stan says.  
  
They set to work making a big 'I AM LOST' out of sticks, but then find that they are out of sticks when all they have left is the dot to the 'i'!  
  
"Oh no! Now they'll never save us!" Stan cries.  
  
"We need a dot to the i! Fast! I hear a plane!" Cartman yelled, pointing to a small rescue plane coming towards them.  
  
"I know! I'll use Kenny's head!" Kyle shouts. He jams Kenny's head into place, and the plane lands next to them.  
  
"Hey children! It's a good thing you dotted that 'i', because I saw it and thought it was a natural formation until I saw the dot on that 'i'!" the pilot yells with a smile.  
  
-Cartman's house-  
  
"Well, everything turned out alright, I guess," Kyle says, "And you know, I learned something today. I learned that no matter how hungry you are, you should never eat a friend. Because if I had eaten Kenny's head like you told me to, Cartman, then we wouldn't have had a dot for the i, and we would still be lost. I'm just glad it's over and that I learned something."  
  
Cartman kicks Kyle square in the nuts. "That's fine Kyle, but you still owe me a candy bar."  
  
"DUDE! THAT'S NOT COOL!" Kyle gasps.  
  
"Whatever, let's go play Mega Murder 5000, Kyle," says Stan.  
  
"Yeah, Mega Murder 5000 kicks ass," Cartman says. 


End file.
